You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
