Can Purell be used as lube?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
