Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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