I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
