What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
