if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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