filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize