im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
