from now on my penis is your penis
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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