either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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