I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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