then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
