Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sorry about my life...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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