the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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