The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
