Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
