Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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