So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
