Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
