Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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