turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
