thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize