so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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