Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
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