Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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