I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
