Swine flu. Run for my life!
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
