I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
