I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
