I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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