I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
