dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
