Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
