yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
