just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
