My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
