awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
