a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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