grandma shit on top of the toilet
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
