Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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