so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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