return my video game
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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