In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize