dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
