i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
