Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
