I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Even my vagina gasped.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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