After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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