I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
