never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
