How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
