I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
