we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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