I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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