where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I am in a vortex of obligation.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
