Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize