it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
