got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
