I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
