umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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