don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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