I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
