Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize