I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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